1/19/2011

something personal

“The purpose of life is not to be happy. It is to be useful, to be honorable, to be compassionate, to have it make some difference that you have lived and lived well.”
- ralph waldo emerson

shifting into something a little more personal then food. i have had a lot of emotions piling up this past week and i feel like it's something people could relate to. so i felt it was necessary to share them. this is something i've been finding myself doing a lot. ego completely aside, just raw feelings and emotions.

in the past i have:
- looked in the mirror and didn't like what i saw
- been in dead end relationships
- fallen victim to people's bad intentions
- struggled with gender/ sexuality issues
- allowed my depression to cripple me
- felt powerless and weak
- had no confidence when something new was placed in front of me

right now i need to:
- focus inwards and release what no longer serves me
- fulfill the needs of people in my life without sacrificing my own
- live by example and stand firm in my beliefs
- embrace who i am and what nature gave me
- be grateful, inspired and compassionate
- find strength because it's there, and speak for the one's who cant
- be mindful that i'm still learning a lot about myself and my capabilities

although this is a healthy example i tend to compare what happened before with what is going on now. or i get ahead of myself and get lost in my own thoughts. i think it's something we all go through. i don't want to be over eager about how i feel, but i also want to feel. i want to play it cool, but not to cool. we are strange, and sometimes it feels good to honor that space of where that weirdness comes from.

it's not that i don't like laying out my cards i just feel like i already have played with this deck. what's making comparisons, scenarios and overanalyzing just about everything going to do for me? nothing really. while i think it's important to speak what is coming from the mind i find that it's important to really speak what's coming from the heart. the past really reflects what makes us stronger today. and thats the thing. it's today, not yesterday or the next. the only thing that matters is what going on right now.

i don't want to sound like i've been sad. it's just been another self realization boot camp i've put myself in. i lately i've been riding a lot of new waves of emotion. new people in my life, shifts i have to cover, feelings i obtain and the ones i have let go.

i want to move through this life with no guilt or shame of my past. i want to move through this life with no expectation of the future. i want to move through this life with my full attention to the morals i hold, the people i have made connections with and the really radical moments that unfold daily.

they don't have to be big. they can be though. i know what it feels like...

being warm under the blankets, high fives, big plates of vegan food, opening letters from friends, handholding, riding bikes at the tiniest hours of the morning, being lost in your own words while someone is listening, a glass of cold water before bed, making my dad laugh...

with all of that said, i truly am in a better place right now. i feel like i am strong enough to make decisions and move toward things i haven't tried before. i find comfort in the people around me and have healthy dialogue between them. i think that uncertainty just makes you go with the flow and to welcome each day as a new one. they are bigger issues in this world and i'm ready to speak for, act towards and tackle once again. there is a new breath of confidence. i feel really good about it. thanks for listening.

10 comments:

  1. I like your post griffen - self realisation boot camps can be hard core. Life is definitely too short not to look in the mirror and love what you see,
    but I suspect it's something many of us are learning to do every day.

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  2. @ antony, thanks a lot. they can be totally hardcore. it's one of those challenges i think. we are so hard on ourselves at times.

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  3. hey, i don't comment on your blog much (though i read it) since we don't know each other and i don't want to creep you out, but just wanted to say that i appreciate your insightful posts and i think it's great that you put yourself out there by writing things like this. i can totally relate to this, and it's inspiring to see that you're not allowing depression to cripple you and you're moving forward and living with intention. i'm struggling/trying my damned hardest to do the same, so it's really good to know there are like-minded individuals out there working on these issues as well.

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  4. @ radish, well i'm glad you you commented and read my blog. really it's truly a gift to share to people from this space. i think it's hard sometimes, but putting stuff in writing and exposing has been good therapy the past few years. i am a big fan of externalizing your emotions ;) keep doing the good thing.

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  5. What a powerful post!
    I love your line " focus inwards and release what no longer serves me"
    I think that is one of the most important things people can do!! We all hold onto fear/anger/resentment for too long!

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  6. @ Melissa, thanks. Stuff has been stirring up inside.and is that, giving up what we don't need.. It's almost contagious to feed into the crap that happens. :)

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  7. This post is.. just what I've needed I must say.

    Everyday I remind myself that its all a balancing act, that this life has a purpose as much as the next one does. Self discovery is a hard thing to tackle. Like my friend Kish says, we can go inward, upward or outward, whichever we choose our practice has to fit the life we lead.

    I think that's the hardest thing for me to cope with. This is my life and this is my body.

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  8. @ eka. well i'm glad it was of service to you ;) everyday is totally a balancing act my friend. we have so many emotions, and they store themselves in such weird places in our body. it stinks that we aren't able to always release them when we need to as well. but they come in time, if you choose to at least. it's a battle, but it's defiantly worth fighting for.

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  9. i can totally relate. thanks for sharing.

    sending lots and lots of love.

    xoxoxo

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  10. @ kelli. thanks for the love =)

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